When is it ok to tell someone their feelings aren’t normal??

I, sometimes to my own demise, spend too much time in online forums –specifically pregnancy and parenting forums. It’s not uncommon for me to have suddenly whittled away hours reading endless ramblings from pregnant women about cravings or name wars with relatives. How or why this addiction has formed… who knows but I’m betting it’s something to do with long breastfeeding sessions and a husband who doesn’t want to discuss random elements of pregnancy.

Lately I have fallen (yet again) down the rabbit hole of arguments about gender disappointment. And it aggravates me, continuously, and I wish I could just shut up. So I do… then two days later I find myself so infuriated that my finger is rushing across my iPhone screen trying to politely tell people to get back in their box and piss off back to their own birth clubs.

For the record, I have no issue what so ever with people being disappointed in the gender of their baby. Who knows…I might join them one day but so far I have a child the gender I wanted and yes I did have a preference and I do have this one that is on the way. I also have no issue with people who couldn’t care less about the gender of their baby. People are different. It’s not exactly rocket science. Some people have a preference and others don’t. Some people don’t want to bring a particular gender into a particular family due to abuse, their own experience or like me really hate the idea of having to teach a boy to pee. Some reasons are well founded and others are just what we feel. Because they are feelings – no more than that. And sometimes those feelings change into disappointment. It happens and it can’t be argued that it doesn’t.

The other day I was reading an article on a not so crash website about why most women have a preference for girls and that somewhere around 70% of women will (in the privacy of surveys and not in a public audience) prefer to have a girl. The writer speculated about why, reasoning the familiar and known along with a possible genetic need to reproduce yourself. Yet, time and time again in the online forum world it appears that people cannot accept that anyone has a preference. When one particular poster had sought help and assistance over the disappointment, which was quite intense, of her baby boy to be she had constantly been told her feelings were not normal and implied that she was ungrateful, a freak and doesn’t deserve to be pregnant at all. In my opinion, a little on the harsh side for someone seeking help to solve their situation.

The thing that gets me, the thing that means I have to reply, is simply that you cannot tell someone else their feelings are not normal. To start with normal is usually defined by the person making the statement so it actually means nothing else but to hurl insult and create hurt in the person you are telling is not normal. It is never helpful to tell someone that their feelings are not real, not valid or not normal. It’s like taking someone currently being tortured by their emotions (picture a person under a plank of wood with all  those emotions jumping up and down squishing them) and piling a few more giant bricks on their head (chuck a few more evil elves holding medicine balls jumping on the wood). All these people, these anonymous online crusaders (in their opinion) are doing is crushing someone who is suffering and hurting even further. It is nothing more than cruel.

Telling someone that their situation isn’t as bad as the next person, in this case all of those women who struggled with infertility or pregnancy losses, does nothing to help them.

I know I’m strange, but I just don’t understand why you would say something if it isn’t helpful and/or encouraging. I don’t understand why one individual’s pain means they can hurt others or state that their pain and situation is more important or worse. And if I see people online or in person belittling someone else for how they feel I will stand up and respond. It’s not ok and I’m happy to be called a troll if all I’m doing is defending someone who is suffering!!

Why is being a stay at home Dad so hard for society to handle?

This may seem like a really odd place to kick off writing (hopefully regularly) on my blog. But it happens to be the issue weighing most on my mind and our family at the moment. I returned to work part time at the end of last year and full time this year; leaving my amazing husband at home with our now 16 month old girl. It was a decision that was partly due to finances as I am the higher income earner and partly due to me desperately needing to work and Mr C (as we will call my husband) much preferring to be at home with our daughter. He struggles to leave her to work and I struggle to function like a human being without work. We are a pair made in heaven who have the fortunate opportunity of being able to make a 1 income family scrape by. It is awesome and perfect.

Except.

 

Except our families are mortified.

They will tell us they support our decisions whilst asking me if I really do want to work. They constantly tell Mr C about different work opportunities. They are constantly offering to take our daughter off his hands because he must need a break for a couple of days every week. They are constantly offering to help clean or if I am coming home and cleaning each day. They have absolutely no faith in our choice as our family. Let’s just get it straight. Take illness aside and Mr C does 100% of the cleaning and washing. His cooking leaves a lot to be desired so often I am still cooking and that is fine. He does all of the night time parties and crying. I go to work, I come home and I spend time with my beautiful family, cook dinner and head to bed. He is not, and I would never be ok with it, playing X-Box all day and ignoring the kid. He is, strangely enough PARENTING.

 

Except society is judgemental.

As a soon-to-be mum I was constantly warned about the mummy wars and how judgemental people are. Apart from online forums I am yet to encounter this. In public and with friends I find nothing but support and consideration. In fact, it’s so much nicer living in a community with a kid than without. However, Mr C constantly feels judged, second guessed and frowned upon. In the last two weeks the following situations have occurred.

• While taking his parents out for lunch the waiter in the café double checked that he understood that the food he ordered was hot and would need to cool down before being given to our daughter. She even made eye contact with his mum to clarify he understood.
• On two separate days our daughter managed to bolt out of the shopping centre playground into the nearby kids clothing store. The day she was with me the customer service woman smiled at me and made chatter about how cute she was, etc. My daughter had pulled a couple of tops off the shelf which I was told not to worry about as these things happen. A couple of days later, with my husband the same thing happened (except with a towel) with the same staff member. He was abruptly told to pick that kid up and get her out of the store.
• He has been asked by two strangers while exploring the zoo if he enjoys babysitting his daughter and having the opportunity to spend time with her.

 

Honestly, it could go on. But I think you get the point; Lots of minor little instances that all build up to the picture that men aren’t trusted to parent the same as women. Super encouraging to a new parent!

Why can’t people assume that dads are just as capable as mums? There are bad parents out there, they come in both genders and no one should ever be assumed to be a bad parent until you actually know the person well. If a mum has a screaming baby in the shops they often get sympathy, whereas dads get looks of disgust and that maybe they would know what to do if they spent more time with their kid. When really, that dad might be just as overworked, just as tired and just at the end of the tether as any other mum there.

 

Except society isn’t ready.

If Mr C wants to get out and about he has to battle a massive gender divide. And though he says none of these things stop him it’s hard to deny something that is constantly telling you that you are the outsider and often the incapable. Often anything pitched at stay at home parents is pitched at mums.

Mr C has been on a bit of a health binge lately but unlike women he doesn’t really have any exercise classes he can drop into with a kid in tow. I’m sure some groups of women would be ok about it… but the classes are advertised for women and their kids.

Mr C is now regularly attending my mums group and has always been present, even though all of the other dads hide or go out if they are home. With time it’s felt more normal hanging out with 7 women and 9 babies but it would be great if these groups were set up to encourage dads to be involved, for dads to talk about the challenges and for dads to make new parent friends. Life changes for dads too!!

The library sessions have been fantastic but often he is the only male their and sometimes gets strange looks for playing with his own kid.

Men’s toilets are not set up with change tables and though often change tables are in disabled toilets or there are parent rooms… but not always. At some point soon we will start toilet training and I am sure there will be many odd looks for bringing a little girl into the men’s toilets. Oh how we look forward to it.

 

So how, in 2016, is this still an issue for people? How is it that society whinges that men aren’t involved enough yet condemn and judge the men that are involved? What needs to be done to change this? I have some answers to that, but it’s another post for another day. Right now, I’d be happy for Mr C to feel just as encouraged in parenthood as I do!

A matter of privacy

Starting a blog seems quite a strange task, especially working out where exactly to start. So I’ve decided to outline a couple of parameters I intend on using while blogging. Internet privacy is a massive deal for me. Being a teacher I am not only aware of the many privacy issues but I also really strongly believe my personal and work lives should not easily overlap. Put bluntly this means that my students shouldn’t be able to google my name, chuck it into facebook, etc. and locate the online version of me. What goes on in my private life is exactly that… so that means that my online presence needs to be anonymous when I intend to share personal ideas etc. No names, no pictures and no real way of figuring out who I am. I know that goes against so many people’s perception of how the internet and social media should be used. Yet like many things it’s my opinion that matters when it’s my blog.

So, don’t go expecting me to tell you much that will identify me or my family.