This may seem like a really odd place to kick off writing (hopefully regularly) on my blog. But it happens to be the issue weighing most on my mind and our family at the moment. I returned to work part time at the end of last year and full time this year; leaving my amazing husband at home with our now 16 month old girl. It was a decision that was partly due to finances as I am the higher income earner and partly due to me desperately needing to work and Mr C (as we will call my husband) much preferring to be at home with our daughter. He struggles to leave her to work and I struggle to function like a human being without work. We are a pair made in heaven who have the fortunate opportunity of being able to make a 1 income family scrape by. It is awesome and perfect.
Except.
Except our families are mortified.
They will tell us they support our decisions whilst asking me if I really do want to work. They constantly tell Mr C about different work opportunities. They are constantly offering to take our daughter off his hands because he must need a break for a couple of days every week. They are constantly offering to help clean or if I am coming home and cleaning each day. They have absolutely no faith in our choice as our family. Let’s just get it straight. Take illness aside and Mr C does 100% of the cleaning and washing. His cooking leaves a lot to be desired so often I am still cooking and that is fine. He does all of the night time parties and crying. I go to work, I come home and I spend time with my beautiful family, cook dinner and head to bed. He is not, and I would never be ok with it, playing X-Box all day and ignoring the kid. He is, strangely enough PARENTING.
Except society is judgemental.
As a soon-to-be mum I was constantly warned about the mummy wars and how judgemental people are. Apart from online forums I am yet to encounter this. In public and with friends I find nothing but support and consideration. In fact, it’s so much nicer living in a community with a kid than without. However, Mr C constantly feels judged, second guessed and frowned upon. In the last two weeks the following situations have occurred.
- While taking his parents out for lunch the waiter in the café double checked that he understood that the food he ordered was hot and would need to cool down before being given to our daughter. She even made eye contact with his mum to clarify he understood.
- On two separate days our daughter managed to bolt out of the shopping centre playground into the nearby kids clothing store. The day she was with me the customer service woman smiled at me and made chatter about how cute she was, etc. My daughter had pulled a couple of tops off the shelf which I was told not to worry about as these things happen. A couple of days later, with my husband the same thing happened (except with a towel) with the same staff member. He was abruptly told to pick that kid up and get her out of the store.
- He has been asked by two strangers while exploring the zoo if he enjoys babysitting his daughter and having the opportunity to spend time with her.
Honestly, it could go on. But I think you get the point; Lots of minor little instances that all build up to the picture that men aren’t trusted to parent the same as women. Super encouraging to a new parent!
Why can’t people assume that dads are just as capable as mums? There are bad parents out there, they come in both genders and no one should ever be assumed to be a bad parent until you actually know the person well. If a mum has a screaming baby in the shops they often get sympathy, whereas dads get looks of disgust and that maybe they would know what to do if they spent more time with their kid. When really, that dad might be just as overworked, just as tired and just at the end of the tether as any other mum there.
Except society isn’t ready.
If Mr C wants to get out and about he has to battle a massive gender divide. And though he says none of these things stop him it’s hard to deny something that is constantly telling you that you are the outsider and often the incapable. Often anything pitched at stay at home parents is pitched at mums.
Mr C has been on a bit of a health binge lately but unlike women he doesn’t really have any exercise classes he can drop into with a kid in tow. I’m sure some groups of women would be ok about it… but the classes are advertised for women and their kids.
Mr C is now regularly attending my mums group and has always been present, even though all of the other dads hide or go out if they are home. With time it’s felt more normal hanging out with 7 women and 9 babies but it would be great if these groups were set up to encourage dads to be involved, for dads to talk about the challenges and for dads to make new parent friends. Life changes for dads too!!
The library sessions have been fantastic but often he is the only male their and sometimes gets strange looks for playing with his own kid.
Men’s toilets are not set up with change tables and though often change tables are in disabled toilets or there are parent rooms… but not always. At some point soon we will start toilet training and I am sure there will be many odd looks for bringing a little girl into the men’s toilets. Oh how we look forward to it.
So how, in 2016, is this still an issue for people? How is it that society whinges that men aren’t involved enough yet condemn and judge the men that are involved? What needs to be done to change this? I have some answers to that, but it’s another post for another day. Right now, I’d be happy for Mr C to feel just as encouraged in parenthood as I do!
wordsofnotsomuchwisdom 